Wedding Day: Approaching Quickly

Nobody warned me about the crazy things that would happen as my wedding drew closer. My heart did a double flip flop when I saw ‘5 months’ on the countdown of my TheKnot app. It’s just getting so real, and getting down to the wire. Nobody told me that I wouldn’t be just nervous. The phrase ‘scared shitless’ is the more accurate way to describe this. I do know that what I am experiencing is simply nerves, and not ‘cold feet’, because I know fully in my heart,and it is confirmed by my friends and family’s approval that I am marrying the right man. On September 5, 2015, I will be giving my heart and hand to the man of my dreams, and we will start a new life together.

Don’t even know where to begin to describe what has been racing through my mind and heart as of late. That’s one crazy feeling right there, the overwhelming tidal wave that comes over me when I realize the gravity of the choice I am about to make, to spend the rest of my life loving just one person. I’ll be entrusting him with everything.

With making this choice, I am also facing one of my fears, marriage, because I see so many marriages ending. The heartbreak it causes makes me think carefully, and take steps to insure it won’t happen. For example, right now, I am going to a Bible study at the church called ‘A Beautiful Wife, by Sandy Ralya. Though I’m not married yet, I’m soaking in the advice from women with more experience. They tell me about what works, how to deal with different situations, about perspective in a situation, winning attitudes, etc…and most importantly, making God number one in our marriage.

I know I’m not perfect, as I messed up this morning when I got upset when my fiance and my weekend plans had to change. I’m thankful for his forgiving understanding heart when I told him I was sorry. I will never pretend to be perfect, because I don’t even come close! I’m just a woman bumbling through life who walks into doors, walks into walls, trips on her own two feet, oh, and my fiance’s personal favorite? I walked once into a mannequin at an upscale store, and politely said “excuse me”! I’m not a perfect woman, just an imperfect woman saved by God’s perfect grace.

As long as I place all my trust in God, I can hold His hand, and simply wing it and learn as I go. Yes, the approaching wedding may cause me to get the jitters, but I know I will be ok. I’m simply taking this one day at a time. That’s all I can do.

Water Colors: The Joy of Living

Once my paint brush touched the paper, I had a mission. My mind’s eye took over, and colorful strokes turned into precise symbolism and imagery. I love to paint with water colors, and show the world how I see everything. I am a woman with mild high function autism, and I am so proud of it, I call it “awe”-tism. That’s exactly how it is. We are in awe of life, its cycles, the many celebrations and colors. Of course, we know of those difficult times, but without those difficult times, the beautiful wouldn’t be as stunning. Appreciation and savoring are words we know so well, we are captured by the smallest of things. For me, it was the four seasons. Each day, I love watching the temperatures gradually increase or decrease, depending on the time of year. Not only do we notice these things, we notice the shapes of snow flakes, the reflectiveness of a single rain drop, the gradient coloring of a bonfire, all tell-tale factors of the changing seasons. Oh, how I love the sun as well when it shines down on me while a breeze of wind blows through my hair. My paintings consist of my perception of nature, as well as a couple imaginative unexpected details. Today, I was in the midst of a dark night in my soul (I’m affected by seasonal depression at times), and mom inspired me to paint again. The joy and appreciation of life began. Not only that, but today we enjoyed the first real snow of the season! 🙂

Apples All Around

FidlerJan(MorgueFile)

Yesterday, I read a blog by John Mosley, called I an an Apple Lover, and though I have yet to try his apple dip recipe, I wanted to piggy back off his idea with something of my own. This recipe is so simple, yet so tasty and festive. It’s apple sauce with apple pie spice (or even pumpkin pie spice- something I accidentally discovered last night) heated up in the microwave.

Tasting this brought me back to my childhood. Every single fall, I would go with my family to go apple picking. There’s nothing quite as satisfying as the crunch into an apple, followed by that sweet taste in your mouth. As a child, the juice always dribbled down my shirt, because my motor skills needed work. After apple picking, we would go on a hay ride around whatever farm we were at.

Back to the simple recipe: I heated up some apple sauce in the microwave for about a minute, or a minute and a half, and then added some apple spice. This makes ordinary Meijer brand apple sauce taste like the homemade kind grandma used to make. Yesterday night, however, I wasn’t paying attention to which spice jar I grabbed, and when it was too late, I realized it was pumpkin spice. Call me oblivious, but I didn’t really notice a difference. They both tasted delicious! The pumpkin spice increased my courage to try pumpkin pie. Cue the gasps and disbelief: I never tried pumpkin pie in my life! If anyone knows of any good pumpkin pie recipes, please let me know. 🙂

Shutterfly: My New Home-base

Two weeks ago, I had my very first writer’s conference experience. Breathe Writer’s Conference 2014 took place at Grand Rapids Theological Experience in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and writers and editors had the opportunity to sit in the classrooms, and learn more about the topics of their choice. The topics ranged from writing devotionals, blogging, the publishing process, poetry and others. I chose to focus on restarting my writing career, continue editing, and build a sturdy foundation to build my business from. These past few weeks since the conference, I have been focusing on the technical aspects of such a career. Mostly, I spent time building my blog, developing a network to connect with other writers and editors, and building a simple website.

It is with great enthusiasm that I would like to introduce my new website: Kelly A Warren: Freelance Writer and Editor. Many know that I am a freelance editor, currently offering my services for free to build experience, however, I am also a writer.  My goal for the coming weeks is to free-write, and break my writer’s block. Please stay tuned for more.

New Meaning of Halloween & the Fall Season

I like to say that perhaps the fact I was born in the fall is the reason for feeling the most alive during the season. Mysterious, alluring, and spooky. Children returning to school, leaves slowly changing color, a chill cooling down the otherwise summery setting. Indian summer is what it is known as. This is the season of harvest after gardening and nourishing plants and animals all spring and summer.  Fall, in my eyes, is the season where vibrant warm colors warm up the crispy air, and warm up my heart, so that it works faster with creativity. According to folklore, Halloween is the season where the veil between the spirit world and the physical world is the thinnest. However, as a Christian, I have a strong sense of discernment. I know that ghosts of departed human spirits do not exist, because after death, souls go directly to heaven or hell. I do believe in spirits, in the sense that memories echo through a particular place, and reside there. Maybe the term ‘ghosts’ to me is more figurative rather than literal. Autumn makes me feel alive because of the fact that a lot of great memories, and a predilection for many aspects of the season, like pumpkins, warm apple cider, hay rides, apple pie, having fun on Halloween, etc. At the college that I graduated from, Kuyper, we would celebrate Reformation Day instead of Halloween, and remember Christian reformers, such as John Calvin, Martin Luther, Abraham Kuyper, and others. According to Roman Catholicism, All Souls Day is celebrated to remember souls, past and present who believed, and remembering that in spirit, they are part of us, a cloud of witnesses calling out the name of Jesus. Since I left Paganism, I have been pondering what this season now means to me. It means four things to me now:

1.       A season of remembrance of departed ones.

2.       A season of appreciation of the Reformation, and the Christian fathers (and mothers) who made our community the way it is today.

3.       A season of remembrance of us being a cloud of witnesses, alive and departed gathered under the name of Jesus.

4.       A season just to have fun. We all have common sense to know what is real, and what is make believe. We can play and have fun. Who doesn’t like free candy?

Changed Desires

Sometimes, I wonder if I listen to the wrong voice inside me that tells me that I’m one mistake away from where I was in the past. I feel that I have more strength than I give myself credit for. Just now, I was able to browse through my kindle online storage, and came across some Wicca and witchcraft books. I had no desire to look at them, as the Holy Spirit, in my heart was singing me a sweeter song. Since I have died to my sinful self, my desires have changed to be those that God has written in my heart. Again, I think of my life verse: be not conformed to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your heart through Jesus Christ. 

Voice of Truth

Sometimes, I feel like I’m one mistake away from turning back to my old ways, and I’m going to slip back. It’s hard to hold onto God’s promise in Psalms 103:12, where God promises to remove our sins from us as the east is from the west. Sometimes, others remind me of my past, skeptical that this “Christian” thing will be a phase, and I will go back to the way I was. I can totally understand their point of view, as I have done this before, many times in the past. I have my own doubts, and they are like the giants in the story of David and Goliath. I am reminded of the many times I have tried and failed to stay strong. I feel taunted, sometimes defeated, not strong enough on my own. I wonder when this “phase” will end, and I’ll go back to my old ways. Another voice is telling me that He is with and in me, and He is going to do something powerful through me if I trust. Do I have enough faith? If God was the power in David’s swing that killed Goliath, isn’t He the power that will bring transformation into my life? I don’t know about what tomorrow holds, but today, right now, I’m listening to God’s steady voice of truth.

Cutting Ties

I’m feeling called to fast forward for one blog entry, and talk about my current life. For the longest time, I have been feeling the emptiness that Wicca left when I abandoned that religion. I was still feeling the lure, the pull to start that lifestyle again. We all know that God is enabling me with the strength to resist, as I am now wearing the whole armor of God.

 As of late, I am now recognizing this as one of Satan’s tricks to trip me up in my walk in Christ by causing me to have doubts, and to question if Christ alone could make me feel whole. Satan is so subtle in this way, where he appears as an angel of light to make me feel like the grass is greener on the other side. Still, I stand upon the word of God, cast down what used to be my idols, and realize that in Christ, I am complete. All I need is Christ.

Being in Maine reminds me of my teen years where I dabbled in the Craft, and got quite serious with it. Memories often haunt me, and Satan uses them to  tempt me to long for those days. At times, I even led a double life where I was a Christian on the outside, but inside, my heart sang a different song. I used to agonize over this double life, and the loss of authenticity in either religion. I hated that my heart was so conflicted.

 Just a couple days ago, I got rid of my remaining belongings that reminded me of the Craft, so that I could symbolically give Christ the rest of my heart. This would permanently sever any ties that would drag me back into my old life. Since that old self is dead to me, why do I need any reminders of it?

When I got rid of this stuff, depression kicked in again. I realized that while I was a Christ follower in both heart and mind, I still had the Craft psychologically on the back burner “just in case”. I hate to admit that though, but in the process of healing, I need to be honest with myself, and confront that fact.

When I got rid of everything (and I mean everything), I cut all ties, so the Craft was out of the question altogether. I finally let go. It was painful, but I had to say goodbye. I was even clear with my friends who encouraged me to stay open minded to other religions, and told them that I belong to Christ, and Christ alone. I told them that I would live as a Christ-follower, and die a Christ-follower.

I’m still dealing with the depression, but God, through Christ alone is my healer, and I will trust Him with every single part of my heart now. He will listen to me pour my heart out to Him, and He will speak to me as well. I’m slowly, but surely learning that all I need is this connection to God through Christ. In time, it will become second nature.

Giving Up, Gaining Everything

It’s been a huge transition with rebuilding my life after severing ties with the New Age. Of course, after any loss or change, there is going to be a period of mourning, and that goes for huge lifestyle changes as well. I have been feeling a little empty and depressed, and though I tell myself that it is normal, it is still not easy. Life isn’t easy anyways.

One of the hardest parts for me so far in this process was destroying or throwing away anything I had that had to do with the New Age, as I had some emotional connections to some of the items. For example, I had an angel tarot deck that I bought myself a couple years ago. I loved that deck, because not only did it contain some beautiful artwork, it reminded me of my childhood. When I was young, I had a dream I was sleeping on the lap of an angel, and she was tenderly stroking my head. What helped me was to remember that God came first. It was also a symbolic sacrifice I made where I was laying down my precious treasures I thought I had, and leaving them at the foot of the cross. I had to die to myself, as through my transformed heart, I was no longer my own. I’m purchased by the blood of Christ. By giving up what was precious to me, I gained so much more.

Jesus gave everything for me, even His very life, so what is stopping us from giving up everything we have to follow Him? Are our emotional ties, finances, security and such not more valuable than His treasures for us in heaven? Aren’t the greatest treasures from above? There is nothing, no gold or silver I wouldn’t sacrifice to increase my heavenly treasures. I found a poem that sums everything up:

In silent night when rest I took,

For sorrow near I did not look,

I wakened was with thund’ring noise

And piteous shrieks of dreadful voice.

That fearful sound of “fire” and “fire,”

Let no man know is my Desire.

I, starting up, the light did spy,

And to my God my heart did cry

To straighten me in my Distress

And not to leave me succourless.

Then, coming out, behold a space

The flame consume my dwelling place.

And when I could no longer look,

I blest His name that gave and took,

That laid my goods now in the dust.

Yea, so it was, and so ‘twas just.

It was his own, it was not mine,

Far be it that I should repine;

He might of all justly bereft

But yet sufficient for us left.

When by the ruins oft I past

My sorrowing eyes aside did cast

And here and there the places spy

Where oft I sate and long did lie.

Here stood that trunk, and there that chest,

There lay that store I counted best.

My pleasant things in ashes lie

And them behold no more shall I.

Under thy roof no guest shall sit,

Nor at thy Table eat a bit.

No pleasant talk shall ‘ere be told

Nor things recounted done of old.

No Candle e’er shall shine in Thee,

Nor bridegroom‘s voice e’er heard shall be.

In silence ever shalt thou lie,

Adieu, Adieu, all’s vanity.

Then straight I ‘gin my heart to chide,

And did thy wealth on earth abide?

Didst fix thy hope on mould’ring dust?

The arm of flesh didst make thy trust?

Raise up thy thoughts above the sky

That dunghill mists away may fly.

Thou hast a house on high erect

Frameed by that mighty Architect,

With glory richly furnished,

Stands permanent though this be fled.

It‘s purchased and paid for too

By Him who hath enough to do.

A price so vast as is unknown,

Yet by His gift is made thine own;

There‘s wealth enough, I need no more,

Farewell, my pelf, farewell, my store.

The world no longer let me love,

My hope and treasure lies above. 

 

Anne Bradstreet, Upon the Burning of Our House

Allure of Wicca

“I’m sorry,” I told my online group of Pagan friends through Facebook messenger, “But I cannot continue living this way- a double life. I have to jump off the fence, and I’m choosing Jesus Christ.“
At this point in time, I could no longer return. My old self was and is now dead to me, and my new self has resurrected with Jesus Christ as He conquered death.  I am now a new creation.

 The allure of Wicca, Eastern thought is deeply rooted in today’s culture.  To me, Wicca was all about finding power within myself in order to dream my life into a reality. I often struggled with feelings of anxiety, depression and helplessness, and Wicca came with the empowering message that we could create our own reality.

The very definition of magic, according to the prominent Wiccan author Scott Cunningham is “the movement of natural energies to create needed change”. The Wiccan rede states that we may do whatever we want, but do not harm anyone. Within this law, we are given a vast amount of freedom to create our own realities, like a sheet of white paper and a fist full of colored pencils. We’re given the master seat, and our lives become mold-able in our hands.

Rather than trusting in God’s understanding, we strive to seek our own understanding, and to create our own paths in life based on who we think we are, and what we think we want. In the book stores, we see new self-help books every day, and they all basically say the same things: You can find the answers within yourself. You can heal yourself. You are in control of your life….etc

The words of God’s word are noticeably different. In Proverbs 3:5, it is written “Trust in the Lord, lean not on your own understanding.In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”. In John 15:5-6, it is written, “I am the vine, you are the branches. If you remain in me, and I in you, you will bear much fruit. Apart from me, you can do nothing. If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into a fire and burned.”.

 Compared to the expertise of our Creator God, we know nothing, because we are simply the creation. We cannot understand without the instruction manual, the Word of God in both flesh (Jesus) and Word (Bible). After realizing this, I looked up, and asked God to help me to trust Him again. I asked Him to help me to turn away from the Craft, and turn to Christ. I told God that I was ready for Him to transform my life, my heart and mind for His glory.