Sometimes, I wonder if I listen to the wrong voice inside me that tells me that I’m one mistake away from where I was in the past. I feel that I have more strength than I give myself credit for. Just now, I was able to browse through my kindle online storage, and came across some Wicca and witchcraft books. I had no desire to look at them, as the Holy Spirit, in my heart was singing me a sweeter song. Since I have died to my sinful self, my desires have changed to be those that God has written in my heart. Again, I think of my life verse: be not conformed to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your heart through Jesus Christ.
Sometimes, I feel like I’m one mistake away from turning back to my old ways, and I’m going to slip back. It’s hard to hold onto God’s promise in Psalms 103:12, where God promises to remove our sins from us as the east is from the west. Sometimes, others remind me of my past, skeptical that this “Christian” thing will be a phase, and I will go back to the way I was. I can totally understand their point of view, as I have done this before, many times in the past. I have my own doubts, and they are like the giants in the story of David and Goliath. I am reminded of the many times I have tried and failed to stay strong. I feel taunted, sometimes defeated, not strong enough on my own. I wonder when this “phase” will end, and I’ll go back to my old ways. Another voice is telling me that He is with and in me, and He is going to do something powerful through me if I trust. Do I have enough faith? If God was the power in David’s swing that killed Goliath, isn’t He the power that will bring transformation into my life? I don’t know about what tomorrow holds, but today, right now, I’m listening to God’s steady voice of truth.
I’m feeling called to fast forward for one blog entry, and talk about my current life. For the longest time, I have been feeling the emptiness that Wicca left when I abandoned that religion. I was still feeling the lure, the pull to start that lifestyle again. We all know that God is enabling me with the strength to resist, as I am now wearing the whole armor of God.
As of late, I am now recognizing this as one of Satan’s tricks to trip me up in my walk in Christ by causing me to have doubts, and to question if Christ alone could make me feel whole. Satan is so subtle in this way, where he appears as an angel of light to make me feel like the grass is greener on the other side. Still, I stand upon the word of God, cast down what used to be my idols, and realize that in Christ, I am complete. All I need is Christ.
Being in Maine reminds me of my teen years where I dabbled in the Craft, and got quite serious with it. Memories often haunt me, and Satan uses them to tempt me to long for those days. At times, I even led a double life where I was a Christian on the outside, but inside, my heart sang a different song. I used to agonize over this double life, and the loss of authenticity in either religion. I hated that my heart was so conflicted.
Just a couple days ago, I got rid of my remaining belongings that reminded me of the Craft, so that I could symbolically give Christ the rest of my heart. This would permanently sever any ties that would drag me back into my old life. Since that old self is dead to me, why do I need any reminders of it?
When I got rid of this stuff, depression kicked in again. I realized that while I was a Christ follower in both heart and mind, I still had the Craft psychologically on the back burner “just in case”. I hate to admit that though, but in the process of healing, I need to be honest with myself, and confront that fact.
When I got rid of everything (and I mean everything), I cut all ties, so the Craft was out of the question altogether. I finally let go. It was painful, but I had to say goodbye. I was even clear with my friends who encouraged me to stay open minded to other religions, and told them that I belong to Christ, and Christ alone. I told them that I would live as a Christ-follower, and die a Christ-follower.
I’m still dealing with the depression, but God, through Christ alone is my healer, and I will trust Him with every single part of my heart now. He will listen to me pour my heart out to Him, and He will speak to me as well. I’m slowly, but surely learning that all I need is this connection to God through Christ. In time, it will become second nature.
It’s been a huge transition with rebuilding my life after severing ties with the New Age. Of course, after any loss or change, there is going to be a period of mourning, and that goes for huge lifestyle changes as well. I have been feeling a little empty and depressed, and though I tell myself that it is normal, it is still not easy. Life isn’t easy anyways.
One of the hardest parts for me so far in this process was destroying or throwing away anything I had that had to do with the New Age, as I had some emotional connections to some of the items. For example, I had an angel tarot deck that I bought myself a couple years ago. I loved that deck, because not only did it contain some beautiful artwork, it reminded me of my childhood. When I was young, I had a dream I was sleeping on the lap of an angel, and she was tenderly stroking my head. What helped me was to remember that God came first. It was also a symbolic sacrifice I made where I was laying down my precious treasures I thought I had, and leaving them at the foot of the cross. I had to die to myself, as through my transformed heart, I was no longer my own. I’m purchased by the blood of Christ. By giving up what was precious to me, I gained so much more.
Jesus gave everything for me, even His very life, so what is stopping us from giving up everything we have to follow Him? Are our emotional ties, finances, security and such not more valuable than His treasures for us in heaven? Aren’t the greatest treasures from above? There is nothing, no gold or silver I wouldn’t sacrifice to increase my heavenly treasures. I found a poem that sums everything up:
“I’m sorry,” I told my online group of Pagan friends through Facebook messenger, “But I cannot continue living this way- a double life. I have to jump off the fence, and I’m choosing Jesus Christ.“
At this point in time, I could no longer return. My old self was and is now dead to me, and my new self has resurrected with Jesus Christ as He conquered death. I am now a new creation.
The allure of Wicca, Eastern thought is deeply rooted in today’s culture. To me, Wicca was all about finding power within myself in order to dream my life into a reality. I often struggled with feelings of anxiety, depression and helplessness, and Wicca came with the empowering message that we could create our own reality.
The very definition of magic, according to the prominent Wiccan author Scott Cunningham is “the movement of natural energies to create needed change”. The Wiccan rede states that we may do whatever we want, but do not harm anyone. Within this law, we are given a vast amount of freedom to create our own realities, like a sheet of white paper and a fist full of colored pencils. We’re given the master seat, and our lives become mold-able in our hands.
Rather than trusting in God’s understanding, we strive to seek our own understanding, and to create our own paths in life based on who we think we are, and what we think we want. In the book stores, we see new self-help books every day, and they all basically say the same things: You can find the answers within yourself. You can heal yourself. You are in control of your life….etc
The words of God’s word are noticeably different. In Proverbs 3:5, it is written “Trust in the Lord, lean not on your own understanding.In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”. In John 15:5-6, it is written, “I am the vine, you are the branches. If you remain in me, and I in you, you will bear much fruit. Apart from me, you can do nothing. If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into a fire and burned.”.
Compared to the expertise of our Creator God, we know nothing, because we are simply the creation. We cannot understand without the instruction manual, the Word of God in both flesh (Jesus) and Word (Bible). After realizing this, I looked up, and asked God to help me to trust Him again. I asked Him to help me to turn away from the Craft, and turn to Christ. I told God that I was ready for Him to transform my life, my heart and mind for His glory.
It has been so long since I have written a blog, so here goes…
Disclaimer: Sometimes our testimonies are difficult to share, because we fear ridicule and judgement from others, God, or even from ourselves. I am one of those, and I have been silent for years. I only shared glimpses and hints of my testimony, but never shared it openly or honestly, so I ask everyone to please forgive me. I also ask for understanding, gentleness and love as I open up for the first time.
I have been afraid for a couple reasons:
1. Fear others will be mad at me for not telling the whole truth.
2. Fear others will look down on me for being weak in spirit and heart.
3. Fear of ridicule and judgement.
The primary emotion here seems to be fear, but 2 Timothy 1:7 comes to mind. The spirit of fear does not come from God. He gives us a spirit of power, love and self-discipline. Through God’s power, instead of my own, I will allow God to open my heart, so my testimony can be used to encourage and help others.
My Life Verse:
Romans 12:2– Be not conformed to the patterns of this world, but be TRANSFORMED by the RENEWING of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is- His good, perfect and pleasing will.
*I’ll be writing an entry that focuses on why I chose this life verse later on. I do hope, however, that elements of it will be apparent in my testimony.