Moments of Weakness

“There is nothing, there is nothing, more precious, more worthy” Laura Story, There is Nothing
 PSALM 45:11 The King is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, for He is your Lord.

I beat myself up every single day because I’m a perfectionist. I hate my own weak flesh at times. I’m ashamed because I give in to temptation, and sin. With the way I talk to myself as a result, the cycle of sin perpetuates, and I feel like I’m running a helpless rat race every single day.

 Just today, I swore I was going to order a healthy salad for lunch, and I ordered something unhealthy. Of course, I beat myself up over this. After lunch, I went to an appointment, and due to my forgetfulness, I arrived a half an hour late. “Stupid me!” I muttered under my breath. The things I tell myself would be considered bullying if I was doing it to anyone else. I never seem to be good enough; never measuring up to my own standards of perfect. I heard over and over the adage that nobody is perfect, but tell that to the accuser, that bullying voice.

 Been struggling with my weight, my self esteem, and my body image for as long as I can remember. Perhaps other women can relate to this, and feel my struggle. I am my own worst enemy. In the midst of this, I cried out to God to rescue me. While I could have ordered a salad instead, or jotted down the actual time of the appointment into my planner, maybe I wasn’t acknowledging the small efforts I was making. I ordered a hot tea for a beverage instead of my usual soda, resisted a second slice of bread, and made a plan to work out tonight.

God sees everything, but he looks into our hearts. He knows I’m earnestly trying to create a healthier lifestyle, and how deeply I want to please people. He also sees the war going on. He sees my heart, the desires of my flesh, and my inner critic, and the three of them fighting. It’s endless, and I’m reaching to God for freedom. Each day it is the same cycle.

While this cycle spins it’s course, a higher and stronger force comes in and breaks the spokes so it ceases spinning. It comes to me as a mighty force from heaven, and and brings an epiphany. No matter how I try to reason that I’m not good enough, He calls me to come into His light.

 “Kelly,” a strong voice tells me, “I am ENTHRALLED with your beauty, as you are my princess! Why are you doing this? Did you know you are hurting me? You are my child, and I created you with my own hands! You are exceptionally beautiful and I see no blemishes and blame in you!”

As a born-again child of God, I have to confess and believe that these words are true! I have been purchased and pardoned by the blood of Jesus Christ. It’s not about what I have done, but what Jesus Christ, God in flesh has done for me.