My First Love: Transforming into a Young Woman

Estoy contigo para siempre, especialmente con mis ojos cerrados, y con mis ojos cerragos, cuán grande es mi recuerdo de ti. Viviras para siempre conmigo en mi corazon. Descanse en paz!

It is a mixed feeling to say that my first love is not only written in the stars, but shining on me in the sun. His life was active and vibrant, just like the Dominican culture he belonged to. He died suddenly at the tender age of 15, and left me here on this earth with a shattered heart while I was 16 years old. I never got to tell him goodbye. He died in a motorcycle crash in the blink of an eye.Tonight, these memories are coming back to me. I do remember him, and he will always have a special place in my heart as my true love. As a result of the tragedy and the intensity and pain of my grieving, and the help of the body of Christ comforting me and guiding me to seek God as the author of the book of my life, I transformed spiritually from a girl to a young woman full of potential to shake the kingdom of heaven with her vibrant faith.


Writer’s Fear

Staring at a blank document and the idea of starting feels like metal wall during a lightning storm. I don’t think this is going to fit what I’m supposed to write, and expectations, mostly from me, are sky high. It’s so hard for me to remember that Jesus was also human, facing the same struggles and insecurities I feel. The only difference is that He never listened to these insecurities, and told them to flee from him. Wish I could easily do that, but it is easier said than done. He just wants me to try, just do the best I can do. Maybe my feeble attempts will amount to something. Even now, I’m pausing between sentences, because I’m feeling insecure because I may type something stupid or ridiculous, or even something that doesn’t make sense. Fear does not come from God, however, confidence does. Especially as a writer, I’m asking God to chase away my fears, so I can walk in a spirit of victory! It was a spirit of confidence that conquered death and rose from the grave!

Made to Crave Blog Hop: How I Came to Christ

For my Made to Crave online Bible study, I am asked to write about one out of three questions, and the question I’m choosing to answer out of the three available is how I came to Christ. For me, it was a long gradual process of on and offs when it came to my faith, because one foot was in, and one foot was out. Guess I was never truly committed, because I wasn’t completely satisfied with the Gospel until I began to really grasp the meaning and the radical words and actions of Jesus Christ. I could write a book about every detail of my journey, but I’m going to start with how I most recently recommitted my life after I had one foot into the Bible, while the other was searching for answers elsewhere.

My mother has been doing this crazy in-depth study of the book of Revelation, and would talk about it on and on until it became so irritating to me, I had to see what all the fuss was about, and read the book for myself. I have always been that type of learner where I would never take advice, but would only learn if I made a mistake, and had to deal with the consequences myself. I must be my mother’s daughter in the sense that I am a master at asking questions, and challenging any material that is in front of me.

Anyways, the first part of Revelation, we catch a glimpse of the new earth, and then we get into the pain, turmoil and destruction of the old earth passing away. After this old earth passes away, and those with the seal of God pass on to the new earth and avoid the second death, which is the death of a soul that chooses to remain separate from God, we see a more detailed glimpse of the new earth in all it’s glory.

Along the way, I learn a truth that disproved one of my misconceptions of Christianity. This misconception was that the Bible said that anyone who refuses to accept Christ is immediately going to hell after they die. This is inaccurate for reasons I’m going to explain. People who don’t accept Christ as their savior are going to face judgement for their works here on the first earth, and be held accountable. His standards, however, are high, as He is holy.

Those living in Christ simply acknowledge that they are fallen and need a Savior, like we all do, because we all need grace. Their sin is taken on by the blood of the Lamb, and on the cross, the price for their sin is paid through His death. The chains of the sin are broken by the resurrection, and not only are we declared blameless, and therefore worthy of the kingdom of heaven, we are declared heirs with Christ because He took our place on the cross.

Another way of explaining this is the double transfer that I learned during a world religions class in college. When we surrender our lives to Jesus, we leave our sins at the cross, and He is mighty enough to bear them, because He is fully God and fully human. Not only that, but He is pure and blameless. When our sins transfer to Christ, His purity and blamelessness transfers to us. We then become judged by our faith when God looks upon us, and sees the purity and blamelessness of His son. Our sins, past, present and future are no longer remembered, and we are able to walk a changed life.

When I realized these truths, God wouldn’t leave me alone. He used dreams, other people, music, etc to tell me to come to Him. He is so patient, He waited until I surrendered my pride, everything to Him. When I did, and emptied myself at the cross, this emptiness became filled with the Holy Spirit.

The Holy Spirit is a peculiar essence, as when it entered into the depths of my emptiness, I began doing, thinking and saying things that I wouldn’t have otherwise. It began working to transform my heart, and now, I’m a changed woman. Whenever I go to sleep, I think about God. Whenever I rise, I think about God. The things we think turn into words and actions, so this Holy Spirit welling up in my heart continues to make itself apparent.

A Time of Harvest and Rest

Ok, I’m not so sure about the counselor idea, as I’m still trying to find my place after graduation. If I don’t become a counselor, at least volunteering will give me life experience and more of a heart for loving others, which makes for being a better writer. This is a win/win situation. One of my passions is writing, as well as living every single day in God’s grace. Right now, I’m working on writing a book on my experiences in college with having autism. It was a challenge and I fell down a couple times, but by faith, I didn’t give up, and graduated. In April, I’ll be walking the stage during my graduation ceremony. It’s going to be a powerful day that highlights God’s victory and glory! For now, I’m going to volunteer both at the church and the hospice, be involved in a Bible study, and join a knitting group. It’s a time of great harvest earned by hard work!

Beyond Words: Volunteering

“When it comes to my dreams,” I declared through a text message to my fiance, Mark, “I will never let my autism be an excuse!” Not only did I graduate high school with a high verbal score on my SAT’s, it added a laugh to the fact that autism is known to be a communication disorder. Guess I defied that theory! Not only did I graduate high school, I spent eight years of my life in college, and graduated with two bachelor degrees. My two degrees are in Biblical theology, and interdisciplinary with a focus on English and communication. This is just a start. Ever since I was a young child, I always had an insatiable hunger for learning. Currently, I’m awaiting some textbooks I bought online to continue learning. “Classes” do not end after graduating. This is one reason I’m considering grad school. I plan to volunteer at a local interfaith hospice center, and hopefully, some doors will open and a path will clear for me to become an interfaith counselor for those who are dying and grieving. I may not know what it is like to know that death is near as the one who is dying, but my heart desires to simply be there. Sometimes “being there” means sitting by someone’s side even when no words are present. Presence speaks volumes. Yes, words are useful in their place and time, and the patient is the one who decides that. I’m merely a vessel of the unchanging all-powerful loving God of heaven, and I trust and pray that He will speak and listen through me.